for something completely different.
EDIT: not that different considering I used the same reference less than a month ago.lol
or at least not so much about food anyway. although I am still pigging out albeit gluten-free.
see what people don’t seem to get is that I nearly never feel loved. or lovable. it is a sensation that I long for but can not really process very well. rejection from god-like parents at an early age…blah blah blah (ask me to expand and I probably will when I’m feeling better)…
I may have said before here that tv pretty much taught me how to be a human being. it taught me enough to know that the way I was treated was not right, cognitively anyway. emotionally it still feels like I deserve it, though through hard work I’m able to refute those feelings more.
so what is the point?
both of my parents were married or in long-term live in relationships several times. the two that I experienced in my childhood/teenaghood were stepmom 1 and stepmom 2. stepmom 1 hated me. at least that is how it felt based on the way she treated me. stepmom 2. well. she cooked, she went prom dress shopping with me, she wasn’t perfect but I felt…at home. like I had a home, where when I left for college I’d have a place to come visit on breaks and stay during the summer…HOME. was it still dysfunctional? sure thing. she and my dad drank almost every night. difference between them being she got affectionate and sleepy, he got mean and inappropriate.
I loved her and she was the closest thing to a mom type person (the role anyway) I’ve ever had. well, stepmom 1 was mom-like except she was abusive mom. stepmom 2 was a loving mom type person. when we moved in I had to give up my big christmas tree and the first day there she had set up a tiny christmas tree on my dresser…with lights and a train you wind up to go around the bottom…
my dad put a wall between me and her when something awful he did was blamed on her. so when they divorced..I was knee-deep in crazy and convinced she would want nothing to do with me. after all, that isn’t the only family that I’d have completely go away…that is what happens with divorce, right?
by the time I realized I could have reached out to her even after they divorced she had hardened toward me. I’m sure on some level she felt just as abandoned as I did. I didn’t have a home after that. not a “family home” anyway. closest I’ve got is thanksgiving with my aunt and uncle in TN, which is great but always makes me sad a little for the loss of that sort of home feeling of my own. at some point I sent her a card, thanking her for the time and love she gave me and that when I thought about having my own children I could imagine teaching them the things she taught me, I didn’t get a response and that hurt but I’m not sure of the timing so…
see the thing is…
I found out the other day that well..she died. last year in april.
and it fucking hurts. a lot.
a whole fucking lot. a cry my eyes out and rip my flesh off hurt.
I am no longer speaking to my father or biological mother, which hurts a whole fucking lot too.
see cause you know what? all I’ve ever wanted is a family. a home. to not be an outsider somewhere. and I had that for a little while. i should be grateful for that, try to focus on that.
cognitively I know my parents are the problem in our relationship. I didn’t deserve the things that was done to me or the way I was treated. however, somewhere deep inside is that little girl who still doesn’t understand what is so WRONG with her…how she can stop being bad…it didn’t matter if I was quiet or did chores right or never talked back or anything. i was a bad thing no matter what.
I’ve worked a long time to try to fix that feeling of shame. I’ve made progress but it still swells up pretty easily.
Rosanne was not perfect. But she was a great deal better than any other parental figure was to me. and now she is not only just not in my life but now she isn’t even in the world.
I’m going to try to sleep now.
god I hate crying.
Keep changing, keep growing,