gotta start somewhere (again)

I moved my scale back into the bathroom floor


today i weighed 267. it is a start, getting back to weighing or at least tripping over the scale once or twice a day will at least put it in my mind. 


i decided to post because i was just watching a tv show in which a genius worries he is settling for the job he has. it made me think of something *i* have said many times to people while grieving, which is that i could have been extraordinary. what I mean by that is that i believe that without the things in my life that i had to overcome, my brain is one that could have accomplished something Great, as in, other people would remember me in a 100 years sort of great. I know, when I am sitting on my own like this, that intelligence and likelihood to be at  least a little crazy seems pretty well established and thus, i may have had to overcome that no matter what. i know that things happen the way they are meant to happen and that the way we know they were meant to happen that way is that they did, in fact, happen that way. i have a lot of bitterness sometimes. Everything I accomplish, at least in my mind, is tempered with “That is great, you know, considering what she had to overcome.” which is true, there are things that are completely average accomplishments for most people that are HUGE for me because of my “illnesses”. I can sometimes celebrate that i managed to achieve them at all but mostly  i just feel bitter about there being that caveat. at this point i don’t even know what i would want to do to try to be remembered in 100 years and frankly, my brain doesn’t work as well as it once did.  


i think that working in the field of psychology may very well be a bad idea for me unless i go into research.  I’m just too damned emotional. i too easily get heartbroken by other people’s stories. maybe i can become a professional cheerleader. I have actually thought about being a motivational speaker but i think you have to be accomplished in someway to pull that off. 


you know, considering how much I had to lose, my surgery is still a success, even if I am still so far from goal. 


damn caveats. 


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2 Responses to gotta start somewhere (again)

  1. Nita says:

    That’s a fantastic post, considering everything you had to go through to write it. j/k I think every kid believes at some point that they are going to make a difference….. do something BIG…. kids all dream of the future. I believe, though, that once you get into the drag of day to day life, it is easier to forget those dreams because it is so difficult to simply LIVE day to day. I had so many plans that fell to the wayside as life unfolded. It is what it is. que sera sera.

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